Psalm 39:5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath
handbreadth [ˈhændˌbrɛtθ
-ˌbrɛdθ],
hand's-breadth
n
(Mathematics & Measurements / Units) the width of a hand
used as an indication of length
I lay in bed rubbing the sleep from my eyes wondering what the day will bring. The alarm goes off and I hear the D.J say it's the 137th day of the year. I have this picture in my head of a calendar page being ripped away, not the date, but a countdown of how many days I have left to live. Weird.
But days later I can't shake it, this picture of this callendar tearing away the days I have left to live, I see the pages blowing away in the wind.
Months later my mind is going crazy with thoughts about how fast life is going, I can't slow it down, I will die one day. Is my faith real? Is Jesus who He says he is? What if i'm wrong, what if Christanity is wrong, what if it is all an elaborate lie?
He is a journalist/athesist set out to find the truth, and I realize again the answers to my questions, yes my faith is real, there is proof, there is historical evidence and documentation, but I beleived before the proof was in front of me. So why these doubts?
My friend text me around this time and wonders why I seem different lately. I just reviewed my text and I stated to her "God is working in my soul and it is not always beautiful" I go on to tell her that I'm praying fervently for two huge miracels, one for my Dad to discover the truth of who Jesus is and second for my husbands feet to be healed."It is incredibly emotional and overwhelming praying for the two men in my life I love the most and unconditionally,then my own heart, deceitful,dark at it's core, why would a God of pure love want to answer much less listen. I know the verses in my head about how HE delights in me, that I am saved, but my heart is different, the questions are too big.My life I know is a mere handbreadth, that's a few inches,each day is a countdown.I feel almost overwhelmed not to waste a moment, my impact. I don't want to be forgotten,is that prideful? it wakes me up at night, but has taken my prayer life to a different place, my thoughts of life and reality different. I almost feel crazy or manic at times and who would understand all this crazziness in my head without comitting me? My mind is a whirling tornado, do you understand?"
My friend is wonderful and just happens to be a therapist!! She replys "I have had a feeling things have been building in you. We all have dark hearts and HE is listening and loves you HE may just be starting a new you like the pot john talked about in church, we all make mistakes, you sound extremelyextremely overwhelmed but not crazy! Look for today not the end of your life. you are leaving a legacy my dear and are impacting people each day! You are such a prayer warrior. Do not let Satan convince you of lies!"
Two months after this conversation I see the pages whirling all around me and I can not catch them.
My life is a span of approximately 2 inches.
Today is September 9th 2012. It's been about 3 months now since I first saw those calendar pages, and it seems like yesterday, time is passing.
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Psalm 144:4
Man is like a breath; his
days are like a fleeting shadow.
This is what I can't get out of my head, hopefully I can get it across with written words what I'm really trying to say.
My plan is to live to be 100 if I can. Lets assume I do, because all of this is based on that.
When I'm 99 I think I'll be afaid to go to sleep! Will I be waiting and watching to die? This idea scares me.
Let's back up to now.
For awhile I have had this feeling that God is about to do something really big in my life, and really big things have been happening and with that another blessing unfolds and He does something else! These blessings and answers to prayers are coming faster and faster like an avalanche!
Even in the midst of doubt and difficulties He continues to answer. Before my lips can sing praise and my hands can complete the task before me, God opens another door, sends down another blessing, fulfills another desire within my heart, and pours out His love on me.
I feel unworthy at times, but my head tells me because I am redeemed I am worthy, sometimes my head and my heart have a difficult time making the connection.
11For I know the
plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans
to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12Then you will call
upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek me
and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14I will be found by
you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you
back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and
places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which
I carried you into exile.”
I read this and I beleive this. I am watching it unfold in my life, I am a testimony to this entire passage here.
My mind is still a whirling tornado. I have 67 years to live, it seems like a lot but it's not. I realize this week that the chance of me being alive right now in this time is so slim. I wish I knew matmatics and probabilities for the number!
I think about how if one person in my genealogy wasn't born I wouldn't be here. I'm sure somewhere in my line someone had an affair that led to a pregnency, someone had an abortion, someone had an unplanned pregnency, if none of that would of happened I wouldn't be here, of all the times my parents could of conceived and didn't untill that one time. then at church this morning we started the book of EXODUS and read these verses
15The king of Egypt
said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah, 16“When you help the
Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a
boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live.” 17The midwives,
however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do;
they let the boys live
Wow! Now my mind is really spinning! If the midwives hadn't feared God, if the baby that was killed was a descendant in my line then I wouldn't be here!
Ok so I'm here on earth and it all had to allign in such a way for me to be here, if I wasn't neither would my kids and their future children, all of my conversations with others would be non existant, my salon wouldn't be here, my art would never be seen and so on, and who would my husband be married too?
Then my brain goes another step, why was I born now in this time, this generation? I could of been born 100 years ago or 100 years from now. I could of been born on the street to a drug addict or a prostitute, I could of been born in a slum in a third world country, or one of the millions born into severe poverty in the deslolate villages in Africa, the list goes on. I realize I have won the lottery of life, to be born in America is a chance, and right now in this day and age, what a blessing. We have so much here!
So now I see that my life can not just be a random chance, it's not pointless.
But I look around at all the people and I don't just see people. I see it as this generation, and one day this generation will pass, like the generations before me. Life hasn't been just what it is right now, there was so much before me and there will be so much after me.
Ecclesiastes 1
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
3 What do people gain from all their labors
at which they toil under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 No one remembers the former generations,
and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow them.
I am here for this season, God has created me for a reason, He has a plan to prosper me, not to harm me, I am not the first person to have all these questions.
I am feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiousness. I am feeling more alive now than I ever have realizing and really feeling in my being the truth that I have a purpose. God designed me specifically, for this time!
I don't want to mess my chance up. I don't want to let God down, I feel a great deal of responsibility, I feel like this is also the most exciting revelation of my life!!....so far!!!!
I think looking at my life as a countdown not to death but my new life, has changed everything. All these objects I try to attain and the acceptance of the people around me, no longer seems to be so important. yes I do care about others opinions but it is not the driving force behind my actions, yes I do like beautiful clothes and nice things, but it does not determine my worth or value.
My life is not to be meassured by things, but I want to live out what I know is true, what I beleive, I want to live love and be remebered for love. To me that is of value.
When I take my final breath as we all will, this entire generation will, when our vapor has dissaperared...
JAMES 4:14
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Why, you do not even know what
will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a
little while and then vanishes |
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When the midst of my life vanishes I will c
Acts 20:24
24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s graceling to this
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My mind is still a whirling tornado of thoughts and questions but it feels good to see my thoughts out of my head.
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